how can you swallow so much sadness
life feels like it's on hold, withdrawing from social media, trying to stare at the sky to feel alive, getting in touch with mortality
I’m feeling like I might be falling apart. And I don’t know how to stop it.
I don’t know how to process my feelings—or if they’re even worth processing.
It feels like there are so many moments I have all rights to feel emotional but how do I put it—I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m terrified. Is that how I should say it? But you know, I’ve always been feeling these things—they aren’t really new but everything that’s going on that are causing me to feel these things lately feels new to me:
-first time seeing my mom head to the operating room TWICE in just a span of one month
- staying in the dialysis center for 4 hours straight to accompany her
- motherhood duties that have taken over my being
-slowly losing my sense of self outside of work and motherhood
- feeling like i’m not going anywhere, seeing everyone around me hanging out, having their person (not necessarily the romantic kind of person)
- resentments towards my dad that are resurfacing
- first anxiety attack
- hearing discouraging words all the fucking time from the person who’s supposed to lift you up
….and just a moment ago, BTS confirming their military service— the last spark of joy gone temporarily— and at least just this time, please, I don’t want to put on some positivity regarding this, and though I don’t mean to sound selfish because I understand that they have an obligation to fulfill, I am still sad. Is that possible? Is that possible to feel some sort of a repeat abandonment through them even though I know in my heart there’s no way BTS would ever do that to their fans?
On top of those things…
[trigger warning: death]
…. lots of news about death from around us, especially with the news of Cessna’s classmate who passed away just yesterday (they’re 4 years old for goodness sake, soooo sooo young), she was such a sweet girl and she never showed any health problems so it really came as a shock for all of us. My aunt also visited us for medical consultations, my sister finding out she’s been having minor heart attacks and we talked about death in general. Now that these things have happened around me, death seems more real than ever before.
How do you process these things? How do you cope? How do you keep going?
Whenever I feel these things, I usually acknowledge and process them by crying it all out but it’s been weeks and not even a bottle of soju at night can bring out the tears.
I just feel numb.
hugs, mie. life can be really tiring sometimes we tend to lose ourselves along the way. i hope you are able to find time for yourself and reset. 🤍