there are really just days that suddenly feel like it's hard to stay afloat
It's funny how life can change in an instant. In my last newsletter, I was talking about gratitude and how important it is to appreciate life’s tough lessons. And yet, here I am now, struggling to stay afloat. Lately, I've been feeling like I could never have enough. No matter how much I achieve or how much I have, there's always a sense of dissatisfaction that lingers. It's like I'm constantly searching for something to fill the void, but happiness seems to never stick around for long.
The sad part is that it's always just about something a family member has said, an insensitive comment that cuts me deep. It's hard to explain to them how much their words can hurt, and even harder to believe that they didn't mean it maliciously.
Sometimes finding your place, finding your worth is just really hard. It's a constant struggle to balance what others think of you and what you think of yourself. It's tough to admit, but I know that the root of this feeling often stems from those insensitive comments.
I try my best to focus on the positives in my life, but sometimes the negatives outweigh them. It's in those moments that I feel lost and unsure of myself. I know that I shouldn't rely on others for validation, but sometimes it's hard to remember that.
Despite all of this, it's hard to keep pushing forward. It feels like an endless cycle of disappointment and frustration. Sometimes, it feels like I'm just going through the motions, trying to survive rather than truly living. I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I wish I could say that I have hope for the future, but right now, it's hard to see beyond the darkness. Maybe one day, I'll find what I'm looking for, but for now, I'll continue to feel the weight of my emotions and try my best to navigate through them.
Happily ever after, the phrase that's supposed to make everything better, but for me, it's the scariest thing to be. Every time something good happens, every time life throws an easy win my way, there's always that nagging feeling that it won't last, that it'll all just fade away. And most of the time, it does.
I was reminded of this recently when I heard a quote from Ginny and Georgia that hit me hard: "Nothing scares me like being happy, happiness is the scariest thing to be. Once you're happy, you have so much more to lose." Those words hit me like a ton of bricks, and suddenly, I found myself breaking down.
It's hard to explain why I feel this way. Maybe it's because I've been hurt before, or because I've experienced loss and disappointment so many times. Or maybe it's just the way my brain is wired, always looking for the next shoe to drop. Whatever the reason, the fear is real, and it's exhausting.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm just starting to find my footing, like I'm finally dancing to a wonderful playlist I just created or feeling a sense of relief after finally finding time to balance things. And then, just like that, life throws me a curveball. Maybe it's a sudden insensitive comment from a family member, or a surprise change of schedule. Maybe it's just the universe reminding me that I can't have even a moment of something.
It's hard to live like this, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. To be honest, even saying things like "happiness is worth the risk" or "moments of joy and beauty make life worth living" makes me scoff. It all feels so cringe because I can't even believe it for myself. But despite my doubts, I know I need to keep trying, if not for myself, then for Cessna.
My daughter deserves a world that is far better than mine. Her beautiful brain should not have to carry the weight of all the darkness constantly creeping in. So even when it feels impossible, even when the fear of losing everything feels too strong, I have to keep going. I have to believe that there's something more to this life of mine, something worth reaching for, something that will make the struggle and the pain and the uncertainty all worth it.
It won't be easy, but I'm willing to take the risk. I'll keep reaching for those moments of happiness, even if they're fleeting, even if they're few and far between. Because I know that even the smallest moments of joy can make a world of difference. And maybe, just maybe, if I keep trying, I can create a world for Cessna that is full of happiness and love and beauty. A world where she never has to feel the kind of fear that I do, where she can just be happy, without any reservations or doubts.